Below is a post I had from my old blog, it was written when I and my friends where dealing with a lot of shit from misogynist geek men and there support of one man accused of rape.
Speaking of dealing with misogynist geek men can I just say that I am amazingly impressed with PZ myers who this week, wrote about harressment of women, dealt with both commenter and a big name new atheist Richard Dawkins when he showed up at PZ blog.
There is a lot of talk about allies in social justice group, well bad allies, the kind of allies who
demand a cookie for not being a rapist, or a member of the KKK, but reading PZ has made me remember just how amazing really good allies can be, those who put there neck out even though it isn’t there issue, just because they care, just because their community isn’t only made up of people who share those privilages, and PZ is one of those men.
One of the posts he wrote about dating advice, mentioning that as someone who doesn’t have one night stands at conferences he feels unable to offer much advice about what happens after you get into the room, I would like to add a couple of points.
You are sceptics, right? you understand about disease theory right? so you have condoms? Good moving on.
Don’t assume you know what women, or men or dykes or redheads whatever else like in bed, what is comfortable, what is hot, what they really love is different for everyone, ask! I hate receiving oral sex, which many of my partners find confronting because many liberal men know that all “women” like that right, and how dare I disagree with my experience and preferences whatever else I think I am entitled to.
Asking doesn’t need to be unsexy, lean over whisper into their ear, I really want to suck you, is that ok?
One thing that really infuriates many MRA is that
women people can stop sex at any time, so I present a story about why and how you might want to stop sex in a hurry, this should be particularly important to anyone doing a one night stand, where you might read something going wrong as fast as you would read it in someone who has been having sex for years.
I have a story to tell, some of details are changes because I am not in a position to get the other person in this stories permission to talk about it, (we lost contact for unrelated reasons) but the fundamental facts are the same. A while back, their was a (cis) guy who I was really into and he was really into me, feel free to call him kyle in the comments because it’s a nice name.
He had never been penetrated before, and was excited about me fucking him, almost as excited as I was about getting to fuck him. I had a fair bit of experience as a bottom in anal sex, but I had never used a strap on on an arse before, but I felt like I knew what I was doing, pretty much, we had talked about it a great deal, I had picked up a small cock from eagle leather (NSFW) , quite a lot smaller, btw than his biocock.
We played around a whole lot, he was scared and egger, I think their where several times where he would have easily come from foreplay alone, I felt him loosen and asked him if he was ready for me, so strapped up, condom on and lubed up I pushed into him, only about an inch, he screamed, it was not a good scream, I pulled out and asked him what was wrong, he said “too much” I don’t know if he was reacting to the psychical or mental aspects of it, nor do I care, it doesn’t matter why he needed it to stop, only that it needed to stop. I hugged him, and offered him a cup of tea although my clit was pounding and I was still unbelievably horny.
We ended up talking for the rest of the night, and decided together through that, that he wasn’t really as ready as he though he was. While we still did anal play when we latter had sex, it was always from that point on him using toys on himself while I played with him, so that he had more control over the situation.
Had we lasted longer, maybe it would have gone further, but it didn’t and there is nothing wrong with that. So when I see the Julian Assange defenders twist themselves around trying to define sex and consent contractually, playing down what Julian was accused of doing, I think of that guy, I wonder if they would have any sympathy for him, a freak who voluntarily went home with me, who wanted weird sex with me. What about if he was female, or I was cis male, what if I was famous. I hope you would have sympathy for him, because I would have been a rapist, if I had kept going I would have hurt him, psychically and mentally, I would have been a horrible person for it. I do think consent is complicated, but not at this end, it gets complicated when you have “I really want to be more ok with X than I am because my partner really really likes X and I want to make them happy” Consent is not complex when it involves a sleeping person. Consent is not complex when you have to trick someone, or hold someone down or bully them to get sex. And consent is not complex when you see that your partner isn’t enjoying something, or has asked you to stop and you have the choice between stopping and seeing if they are ok, seeing if you need to go slower, or if they need tea or need to talk about this and try again in the morning, rather than becoming a rapist. I don’t want cookies, I am not a good person because I am not a rapist, I am just not a very very bad person because of it.