Mystic rambling

Several years ago, at a time of crisis my lady came to me, or I came to her, I do not know, I asked her for her advice when I felt I had nothing left. I felt deep sadness, deep loss, I felt the heart of the desert and the emptiness that is left when she walked away from everything she knew, I felt the rage that hunts children, in the dark place, in the wild.

I was left with the words:

You must walk your own desert

I thought I was but now I am not sure, I am having a bad time at work, it should be sorted by September but it is damaging me right now, I am having panic attacks at work, I am hypertensive.  I talked to someone very close to me, he told me to call a source who might get me a new job, he told me to write my resignation letter.  Did I see her eyes in his? Am I living up to her?

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Ways to help CeCe

Edit: This post was originally written on my phone, now that I have a computer I will put up some more details.

Here is the partition and below are the details for writing to the governor directly.

Governor Mark Dayton
Office of the Governor
130 State Capitol
75 Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd.
St. Paul, MN 55155


Online contact here

In the comments there is a discussion of asking for a pardon for her.

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So lets talk about this week

This is not going to be a pretty post. TW for transphobic violence


I recently had a cis person I know challenge me on my use of die cis scum phrase I used to express frustration and to stand in solidarity with a kick arse trans person who was being hassled about having die cis scum tattoo on their arm They felt that I was alienating potential allies


This is a week of both micro and macro aggressions, at one end someone I liked on tumblr reposted without comment a piece which said

 Feminism does not value women’s subordination and women’s pain. It doesn’t value healthy women’s lifetime dependence on the medical system for nutritional supplements or hormones—inevitable outcomes of weight-loss surgery or transsexualism.

So that is the small stuff, the stuff like deciding everyday whether to speak up when I am misgendered, the big stuff is way bigger?

CeCe McDonald took a plea deal, a plea deal she shouldn’t have needed to take, because from everything I know she shouldn’t have been charged.

As a community we morn trans women who didn’t survive to be charged with murder for daring to think their lives where more important their attackers.

I am lucky as fuck, my body doesn’t out me, I hid in plain sight and like Asher nobody has ever tried to kill my white male ass for being trans but my friends live with that threat are every day, ask me about the women whose urgent medical treatment was delayed because she was trans, or the women beaten in a queer/ radical bit of Melbourne for being trans, these are people I personally know. Go on, tell me about being nicer to trans phobes


So yeah, there isn’t great commentary here, I am too tired, too scared, too angry. Why I was writing this, a friend of mine was assaulted for being trans, not fucking happy.


Fuck cis scum,

Fuck white scum,

Fuck a world where Zimmerman acted in self defence and CeCe didn’t

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Fuck that

I have not been posting, the good news in that I am not dead, until quite recently I might have said that was the end of the good, good things have been happening but the bad things haven’t stopped.

I have other things do, plenty of other things, some which pay me or help me, or mean I have a coffee machine again.

But I am writing, ranting actually, anyway.

Fuck public health people, fuck lazy thinking with no apparent lives outside of what we do.

People at my work where out to lunch, I hate work lunches because being in public health you have to dance around fucking politics in what you order, sometimes I want junk food, but I am know if I don’t choose the fucking lentil salad I will be seen as not “living the values” of my org.

I am half zoning out, listening to my coworkers go on about the new superfood chia seeds when someone pipes up that we should ban cooking shows.

What? You have something against cravats?

“Its not healthy, it promotes food you shouldn’t eat every day.”

I don’t how much I wanted to reach across and slap his skinny chai latte out of his hands.

Food is life, food is family, at risk of expressing my socialist roots I will point out that the root of the word comrade is about food, great civilisation believed that food produced souls.

Food is more than the sum of health risks, food is sharing, food is love, food is the feeling of curling up with pizza and watching bad TV, until health professionals realise this, we are going to continue to push health promotion which victim blaming and doesn’t make sense to the people we try to speak to, people who want to know how to minimise their risk and manage health their health issues.

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A super quick hit over lunch

I got linked this on twitter short version is that it appears that a person going by the name of Susan Collins is looking to study trans men who want to detranstion and is offering surgery funding.

The Susan Claims to be associated with University of Leicester which she isn’t, but she also doesn’t seem to exist, none of the books she claims to have authored exist two of the titles seems to come from a biblical workshop which runs in Australia (link to pdf ) her email address exists, but the domain is a squatter page

What is this? A scam? a practical joke? An a attempt by a transphobe to show how many unhappy trans men there are around?

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Trust me, you are someone’s fetish

I’m pro body mod, I have tattoos and piercings, and if it was up to me anabolic steroids  would be available from doctors for cosmetic reasons, I mean for fucks sake we are ok with major surgery for cosmetic reasons, can it seriously be argued that a GA is an acceptable risk for cosmetic procedures, but testosterone is not?

So this is not written out of some bio purist love your body just the way it is, and never change it, but listening to background briefing I heard, fear fear which sounded very much like that which I have heard from women over the years, that if these young men would have no status, not relationships with women, and no safety if they did build muscle.

If you don’t have the, like, the fucking abs and the chest and shit, the arms, chicks don’t want a bar of you. And, like, who doesn’t go to a festival and doesn’t want to pick up chicks? Heaps of people will be going heaps tight on the diets and stuff like that. They just want to get, like, the rig.

I suspect I, geeky fat and androgynous are probably not what the vast majority of these young men are looking for, but I am still going to talk about what I like, because while it is not at all better *spit* or heroic, god knows my desires are unattainable for many, and would probably cause at least as much self destruction if it was mainstream it isn’t and  just maybe some kid who reads that they are people out there, who like femme skinny guys, and kick arse queer women they might just see themselves as not undesirable, just a speciality. This is going to focus on guys, because that is what the show was on.

I like guys who are my hight or shorter, I have had people read this backwards, assuming I must mean at least as tall as me, because everyone knows tallness is hot right? its not a rule, there have been exceptions, but in general, give me a 5’5″ guy any day.

I like guys who aren’t masculine, more than one of my ex’s has been often assumed to be queer, and several of them identified as straight. Look if you want to body build cool, it would just be nice if there was a little less fear in the world.

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Vintage posts: So about being a scare quotes sex-positive scare quotes feminist.

Vintage posts are a series of posts from my old Livejournal.

First time I came across the term sex positive feminist I hated it, I id’ed as a rad fem at the time and felt that they took an overly optimistic view of the world, and fell into the traps of middle class I have choice lets talk about that feminism, something which is still endemic to feminist as a whole, then I read a book which changed my life
A Restricted Country by Joan nestle
, gave me the strength to start considering gender (though the lens of passing women*). I read about the struggle for lesbian rights, about McCarthyism and the fear of “are you now or have you ever” but it was one of the last essays in that book that shock me to my core, I think it was called dyke’s and whores, and sort to draw connections between socially unacceptable female sexuality, I remember lying in bed, struggling with her words, how could she say that lesbians (good sexuality) and whores (bad) where the same.

Binaries are funny things aren’t they, so for all the things I have to thank Joan for I think the most important thing for me was that she pointed out I still judged women by how they behaved sexually, and in doing that I mirrored the patriarchy I was trying to avoid.

The specific quote from my friend was that sex pos feminists believe avoid the real issue, we talk about the workers rather than the product of pornogrpahy, and it is the product that does the real harm (assuming consenting and well treated workers), now first off, I don’t believe that sexually explicit material is in of it’s self harmful, I do believe much pornography needs to be challenged and discussed for its racism, sexism, the very small set of body types it uses, as well as many other issues.

However I would invite anyone to sit down and watch the latest season of Australia next top model with me and not come up with all the same complaints, “you will never be the girl next door” said to a women of non Anglo (I believe aboriginal) decent or the size 10 model told that she no longer made a dress look good because of her weight. I don’t think as feminists we do ourselves any favours by setting up yet again good women bad women stereotypes, which I believe the porn critical feminists (look mum no scare quotes) do when they set up mostly het ( because this conversations often talk about male partners using porn against their partners wishes) – mostly economically privileged (in that they are not people who might have to do survival sex) women as victims of pornography which contributes to a society where women are only seen as sex objects.

Women have always in Western societies, and I suspect in all societies been seen as sex/marriage/procreation objects, as connected to their fathers, their husbands, their brothers, the real people and frankly given the choice I would, as someone passed as female rather be seen under the guise of cock hungry whores 48 rather than the genesis’s eve, the reason we no longer inhabit the garden of Eden, or Pandora, a punishment sent to man bringing disease and pests to the world.

*Female assigned people who passed as men, many of whom I now believe would consider themselves trans men/genderqueer today.

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